Down but not out

20 comments

Time is moving faster these days. Like, super fast. I’m sitting here struggling to think of something to write about to update you on the past week, because I can’t remember any of it. Last week has become this week, and life flashed right by me before I could take notes. I’m trying so hard to savour the time I have left here at home, time with the people and places I love. But after months and months of time taking its time, it seems the Universe has decided to change things up a bit, and the days are passing by in a blur.

I have no control.

This is unknown territory for me. Up until now, pretty much everything that I have done over the past nineteen months has been under my control. I had a dream and I made it happen; I took charge of a life I wasn’t happy living, and I changed it.

I controlled it.

My life didn’t please me, so I created my life.
– Coco Chanel

So this weekend, when something happened that I literally had no control over, it threw me for a loop.

My web hosting provider decided to conduct a hardware upgrade, and sent Lee, my resident IT guru, an email:

We’re pleased to inform you that we will begin upgrading your account, and all associated subdomains, to a new hosting server within the next 48 hours. This upgrade requires that we take your websites offline for a short period of time to complete the transfer. Anticipated downtime is between 1-2 hours.

They lied.

On Saturday night this site went down. For 18 hours. All of a sudden, time slowed right back down again, and hours stretched out like days under a foggy haze of uncertainty and impatience.

After around four hours I was in a major stress. This blog is my baby, borne of my deep routed dreams and desires to lead a life less ordinary. I wanted it back. Now.

But my whiney demands went unmet, and Lee was unable to answer my constant repetition of “But why is it still down… why? WHY?!”

So, being the more pragmatic of the two of us, he went to our hosting website and began a live chat with an ‘interactive customer service agent’ to find out what was going on. Their conversation went something like this:

Connecting to agent…

You have been connected to Lisa.

Lisa Says: When you are ready just type ‘Hi’ to let me know you’re there…

You: Is this upgrade going to improve load time? My current load time is very bad.

Lisa Says: We Guarantee 99.9% uptime.

You: Not uptime… LOAD time.

Lisa Says: Are servers are very reliable, and we guarantee 99.9% uptime!

You: Are you a computer Lisa?

Lisa Says: We Guarantee 99.9% uptime.

You: This is pathetic. Like your hosting.

Lisa Says: Are servers are very reliable, and we guarantee 99.9% uptime!

You: Don’t you mean OUR servers?

Lisa Says: Are servers are very reliable, and we guarantee 99.9% uptime!

***

Helpful.

As I cursed my useless hosting provider, the words 99.9% uptime circled round my mind. As much as I hated it where web hosting was concerned, I realised it was the perfect description for how I am feeling at the moment. I too have 99.9% uptime, and my downtime is ever increasing.

As the days blend into weeks, and our departure date draws ever nearer, I am learning to relax and make the most of the time I have left here at home; my downtime is something to be savoured. In fourteen short weeks I will leave this life behind, and take my first steps into the new one I have been dreaming of for so long.

For more than a year and a half I have functioned at 100% uptime, giving all of myself over to the process of creating this new life. Now that I am almost living it, my uptime is dropping. The tiny percentage of downtime that fills the space has changed everything, and taught me a very valuable lesson in the process.

You can try and control your destiny all you want, but it is only when you relinquish control and let your uptime drop a little, that the Universe has a chance to play her hand. She rushes in and grabs the opportunity, and gives you exactly what you need.

A new way of living. And new web hosting.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

EM | Cubicle Throwdown June 18, 2012 at 01:44

I feel like you are writing my posts for me right now! What once seemed like a lifetime away is coming so soon. Enjoy your much deserved life downtime 🙂

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Hannah June 18, 2012 at 21:08

Thank you! It’s great to connect with other people going through the same thing. Enjoy your downtime too – Roatan awaits 🙂

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Izzy June 18, 2012 at 08:35

Hi Hannah,
I think it is interesting to try and think about “how to enjoy the moment”. Personally, the harder I try to enjoy the moment, the less I enjoy it.
It is almost as if, the way to best enjoy it is to completely forget how much I am trying to appreciate each moment. When I try to savor it, then I just end up spending the whole time saying to myself “appreciate it, appreciate it…” yet, I don’t actually spend the time appreciating it.
But once, I just step back an live in the moment than I enjoy it so much more. But the scary thing about this approach is that time seems to fly even faster. When I try to savor every moment, it seems to slow down time for me, but if I’m not truly enjoying that time then what is the point?

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Hannah June 18, 2012 at 21:48

Thank you for your comment Izzy. I have also found that the more I try to savour my time, the quicker it slips through my fingers. Now that I am so close to my departure date, time seems to be speeding up, and I am watching the days pass by in a blur. I am just trying to make the most of the people around me, and our time together, because those moments we share will become the memories that carry me forward on my travels 🙂

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Patricia GW June 18, 2012 at 19:22

Love the last paragraph – LOVE! Enjoy your downtime darling. As Henry David Thoreau realized, as far as you stretch towards nature/universe/your dreams, it will stretch back to meet you. (Lisa the Bot not included) Glad you’re back online!

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Hannah June 18, 2012 at 21:06

Thank you Tricia, that makes me so happy. I love the imagery of my dreams stretching back to meet me. I can almost touch them 🙂

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Candace Rose Rardon June 18, 2012 at 21:21

Hey Hannah! To echo what others have said, this post really hits home. I’m spending a couple of months with my family before heading back to India and I don’t always get as much work done here as I’d like. But my mum reminded me the other day that when life gives you a chance to rest, take it! It sounds like it’s much the same for you right now. As soon as you hit the road, you’ll be running in high gear, so perhaps this is just a chance to rest up and prepare for the adventures to come 🙂 Thanks as always for such a beautiful post.

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Hannah June 18, 2012 at 22:30

Thank you Candace. Your mum sounds like a very wise lady – I am definitely going to take this time to relax, and mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the many changes ahead – if that is even possible! More than anything, I just want to enjoy being with the people I love. I hope you are managing to get lots of rest as well.
Maybe our paths will cross in India – I hope so 🙂

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Steph | DiscoveringIce June 19, 2012 at 01:54

Love the Coco Chanel quote! You always find the perfect quote to fit the subject, I think I will have to start saving quotes I come across too!
Great post again Hannah! Time is flying, enjoy the people and places now that you may miss in many months! 🙂
And PS: we recommend EAPPS hosting…their customer service is actually incredible…and no robots! 😉

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Hannah June 19, 2012 at 18:57

Yeah, that Coco was certainly an amazing lady! It’s funny, I don’t really save very many quotes any more, but the right quote always seems to find me at exactly the right moment, and fits seamlessly into my story. I read A LOT, which helps! Thanks for the host recommendation too 🙂

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Sarah Somewhere June 19, 2012 at 10:50

Uh huh! I’m totally there with you and the ‘relinquishing control’ thing! have you heard the saying “You’re not doing, you’re being done” ? I’m slowly learning to let go, and accept what is, and life just goes so much better! And then I forget and start trying to manipulate everything again!!!!!! Lovely post as always 🙂

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Hannah June 19, 2012 at 18:58

I’ve never heard that before, but I love it! So true. Thanks for sharing 🙂

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Kim June 20, 2012 at 03:29

Hannah! All I can say (I feel like I keep saying this!) is enjoy it all because as time gets closer it will FLY by.

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Hannah June 21, 2012 at 19:59

It already is Kim, that’s why I wrote this post – because the days are here and then gone faster than I can keep track. That’s where my head space is at right now, playing kiss-chase with time.

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Arianwen June 29, 2012 at 10:55

It’s really horrible when things like that happen, isn’t it?! I’m glad to see you’re back up and running. And I know what you mean about time going slow then fast. I’ve been waiting for months for the day to come around when I jet off to South America and now it’s less than 3 weeks away, time’s flying by and I just want a bit more time to get things sorted out and say bye to friends!

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Hannah July 16, 2012 at 13:48

Thanks Arianwen – beautiful name btw! I literally feel like I’m living life on fast forward at the moment and the milestones are flitting past me like mere flecks of dust. How exciting for you to be so close now – I’m looking forward to following along on your journey 🙂

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Adam July 2, 2012 at 16:35

“You can try and control your destiny all you want, but it is only when you relinquish control and let your uptime drop a little, that the Universe has a chance to play her hand. She rushes in and grabs the opportunity, and gives you exactly what you need.”
Yuuuup. Awesome. And oh man do I know the feeling. I (accidentally) killed my own site trying to do edit some html part ounce and I remember freaking the heck out (well, by my tame standards at least). Luckily my web hosting company restored it in like 5 minutes. I wouldn’t have last 18 hours so bravo, haha.

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Hannah July 16, 2012 at 13:51

Thank you Adam. It’s terrifying when you suddenly realise that you have so little control over what you deem to be your own little patch of the internet, isn’t it?! My blog is my baby, so when things go wrong, I am like an angry mama bear! Glad you managed to get your problems fixed too 🙂

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Sofie January 2, 2014 at 22:31

Hey Hannah, may I ask which host you’re using now?
Thanks!

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Hannah January 3, 2014 at 14:04

We use JustHost, the UK subsidiary of BlueHost.

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